“Our inventions are wont to be pretty toys, which distract our attention from serious things. They are but improved means to an unimproved end.”
Henry David Thoreau (1817 – 1862), Walden

First off.. the pictures in the edition just plain suck. Sorry about that. My creative side was on vacation in the Barbados.

We visited my Mom and Bruce this weekend in Louisville, Ky. Although the ride up there involved screaming, crying, and death threats, we made it there in one piece and had a really good time. As Grandmothers do, Cosey and Chloe were pampered and were taken to a store on Saturday which I had heard about, but never experienced first hand. Build-A-Bear Workshop is advertised as a place where children can go and build their own teddy bear. Seems harmless doesn’t it? I imagined wide eyed children Ohhhh’ing and Ahhh’ing at a nice plush bear made just for them. Smiles and laughter would be abundant as children skipped through the store with their very own custom teddy bear in their arms.

I could not be more wrong.

We walked up to the front of the store about 5 minutes before they opened, so we decided to wait. At this point my opinion of the place was still good. I could see the selection of bears, bear clothing, and colorful walls through the window and at first glance everything seemed peaceful and kind. Cosey was excited, and well, I was excited for her. However this was when the tranquility ended. Behind us a small stampede of little girls were running across the parking lot followed by a group of uptight soccer-mom’s coming from a fleet of mini-vans. Two of the mother’s had official Starbucks mugs, sipping their $5.95 latte. One mother was yelling at her daughter to stop running because she would scuff her shoes.(she had on sneakers) Finally there were two mothers who were attached to their cell phones whom I assume had children present, but I am not sure as they were still on the phones when we left. All of the mothers did not even notice the BMW which nearly struck down the whole lot of them as they crossed the street… but then again, they would have had to look to even see it. It was apparently a birthday party for one of the kids, and I didn’t’ stick around to find out which one…

We walked inside and were greeted by a woman who just smiled WAAAAY to much. I appreciated her zeal in entertaining the girls, but when she continued to smile and tell Myself, Terrie, and my Mother about creating a “bear” as something we would cherish forever, I just wanted to smack her.

Station 1

Selection. (You mean there is some type of organization to this? Yes.) We were directed through the store in a orderly fashion, and had to stop at each station. Station one was the bear selection. Here there was a wall lined with, what I would describe as, stuffed animal carcasses. Lifeless, formless, skin for any type of animal there was. It looked like a trophy case for teddy bear roadkill. Ohh, and this is where the commercialization kicked in as there were Shrek, and about 10 other brand names i recognized from current cartoons or movies on television.

Cosey immediately picked a pink cat. I was about to mention that cat’s were not pink, but no… this was her day….and I was already being too pragmatic.

Chloe was NOT having the time of her life ( she takes after me) and the subsequently screamed “NO!” every time time Terrie asked her if she liked a particular stuffed animal carcass. To every one’s surprise, she said “yes” to the last one… a puppy. (what happened to Teddy Bears’ being.. well, BEARS?)

Station 2

Noise. I knew it. My mother cannot physically buy anything for the girls which does not make some type of noise. A choice of noise boxes could be inserted into the dead carcass to give that “extra loving touch” to your new friend. Nothing really special here.. Cosey got a “meow”noise box, and Chloe’s barked. Oh joy.

Station 3

Torture. This is where the annoying smiling lady became a Masochist. The dead carcases now had to be filled with fluff. And what is the best way to do that?…. well shove a 5 inch steal pipe up its butt and blow the stuff in of course! I know the things were not real, but i kinda cringed as she impaled the cute animal carcass and turned on a terribly loud industrial fan. It was just wrong. I am pretty sure it was the same machine they used to blow insulation into my attic. The lady then let the girls pick out two little “hearts”, which they had to kiss, hug and make a wish on. These hearts were then inserted into the animal through the wound left from the blowing machine. The smiling lady sewed up the wound, sent both the girls off to the next station.

Station 4

Brushing your new friend. The girls were given little brushes to comb away leftover fluff which did not make it into the animal. This is similar to the Post-Op procedure after your appendectomy…but less sterile.

Station 5

Designer clothes for stuffed animals. One whole side of the store was dedicated to teddy bear clothing. The prices rose as high as $39.95 for one outfit. I can clothe myself for less than that.

Cosey immediately found a princess dress for her pink cat. Chloe said “NO!” to everything and finally settled on a SpiderMan outfit for her dog.

Station 6

Hi-Tech. We now sat at computers and typed in the registration for the animals. Each animal has a bar-code embedded in the foot and if the animal is ever lost, a good citizen could take it to the store and they will ship it back to you. (my plan to stop the noise was thwarted) We also decided on a name for each animal so a “birth certificate” could be created. Cosey named hers “Princess Kitty”. When i asked Chloe she just screamed “NO!”… so i named him “Mr. No.”

Station 7

Payment. All i have to say is Teddy bear carcass repair is expensive.. thank goodness i was not paying. The girls loved them so much it made it all worthwhile.

However mean and cynical I sound, i was still happy for the girls. Cosey has not let go of her kitty yet, (and the batteries are still going on the noise box…sigh). Chloe is actually growing attached to Mr. No,(who we affectionately call “Spider-Dog”) Kinda creepy huh?

Also on Saturday was Terrie’s 29th birthday. Mom and Bruce took us out to a Italian restaurant, Buca di Beppo which probably has the best food this side of the Atlantic. And i mean GOOD. We were stuffed. They didn’t do the Happy Birthday song and dance like most restaurants do, however they did accommodate us (strangely) by bringing out a candelabra and letting Terrie make a wish. We were thankful.. and uhh.. confused. But I am telling you the food made up for it!

A great weekend.. we can’t wait for the next trip.

“Stuffed deer heads on walls are bad enough, but it’s worse when they are wearing dark glasses and have streamers in their antlers because then you know they were enjoying themselves at a party when they were shot. “

Ellen DeGeneres